Cuffs
by madluvs
Summary: The Joker finds himself caught in an uncomfortable position, his plans for the Bat dashed when his evening takes a sudden and unpredictable turn!


Red light, blue light. Red light. _Blue_. The cops were skidding the corner and mounting the curbs, sirens screaming, the pigs were squealing –" _stand down," "put your hands where I can see 'em" "I'll shoot!"_ – the rapid clicking of safety latches, the splashing of feet in shallow puddles. Joker squinted through the light and noise and sucked in harshly through his teeth, "well, _shit_." This was _bad_. Police cars screeched into opposite ends of the alley, barricading the clown in his cobblestone passageway. Blocked in by bumpers and the barrels of their pointed guns. Well, _shit_ indeed. "Easy boys–" a low and aggravated laugh rumbled from his heaving chest. Joker eyed the two vehicles ahead, and the one police van creeping at the rear, raising his hands in a tiny surrender. "Don't suppose you've seen my date? Tall, dark, _terrible conversation_ …. dresses like a bat. Ring any bells?"

"Keep your arms by your head Joker or I'll put a bullet in it!"

" _Charming!_ " How crass of them to just crash right in and cause a ruckus! Joker's jaw was clenched, anger burned beneath his collar, the Commissioner's beloved boys in blue must have been tipped off to come tearing down so quickly on his current location. The thought burned through his brain, fingers twitching. "Well, this is embarrassing!" he barked a bitter laugh, lips curved, _loathing_. "You won't believe this boys, think I've been stood up!"

"You're _done_ here!"

"Party's _over_ Joker!"

And it _was_. Surrounded, sabotaged, before he'd even started celebrations, Joker seethed at his defeat. He was outnumbered, and carrying only one pistol, severely outgunned. His giggling came with no humour, echoing off the damp brickwork. Guttural, his voice like gravel, it sent a shudder through his unwanted audience. "Now, now," he waggled one finger, "no need to _rub it in…_ "

Someone had snitched and things were looking bleak. With one last trick up his sleeve, Joker decided to take his chances on the exit guarded quietly by the van at the end of the alley. "You know me well enough gents!" he announced loudly, arms wiggling as his stark and searching eyes roved the backstreet. "I like to go out with a _bang_! Ha! ha! _Haa_!" At his high and manic laughter, two small bombs dislodged from his jacket, bumped against the wet stone, fuses sparking as they rolled towards the wide-eyed officers. Firearms lifted and panic, _shock_ , drew their wild gazes to the fizzing at their feet.

" _Shit_!"

"Take cover!"

Bump. Bump. Bump. _KA-BOOM_ **!**

HAHAHA!

 **KA-BOOOOOM!**

 _HAA–_

Joker slipped, narrowly dodged the reaching flames that engulfed the cars beyond. Searing heat flashed against exposed skin, singed strands of green turned, _crumbling_ , to black. Shouts – _screams_ – erupted from the chaos, bullets blindly flew through thick and billowing smoke. It smothered the alley, stung his watering eyes. Lunging for his escape, all lank and flailing limbs, Joker groped roughly for his pistol, having evened those ridiculous odds. He smirked, could taste the bitter ash in his mouth, and relished the burn in his lungs. "It's _rude_ to gate crash don't you know–" he hacked, sputtering. Insides _squirming_. Batman had been late, and everything was ruined. _Wrecked_. Someone was to blame for the fuzz' unexpected show. Who!? He'd have their _head_ for this little feat...

So, Joker had a rat resting in his ranks? The notion had him reeling. Raging. Ears rang with white noise. Scrabbling for an exit, fingernails clawing at grit – before Joker could get up and make a _real run for it_ , an officer pounced from the driver's door of the van and was upon him, pushing and punching, Joker's pistol sent skidding across pavement in the scrap. _Shit-_

"Oh no you don't – you son 'uva bitch! You're comin' with _me_!"

Joker snarled beneath the cop's _crushing_ weight. Of the savage beat down of the baton against his ribs and legs. The cop showed no intention of stopping, smacking him roughly as he struggled beneath. His weight was _immense_ , all muscle and knuckles. Joker clawed, kicked and cursed loudly against the concrete, like a cat half caught beneath a truck tire. "Police – _brutality!_ –" he croaked through cracked and winded laughter, the air crushed from his chest with each heavy blow. _Christ!_ Gasping for breath and weakened by the battering, Joker's wrists were bunched at the base of his spine, and the gentle, clean _click_ of handcuffs had Joker spitting and snapping and writhing with a sudden madness. He had been _caught!_

Joker was still snarling and swearing as he was dragged by his stretched collar and tossed unceremoniously onto the benches in the back of the van. Another officer sat waiting in the passenger's seat, silent. Their face hidden from view by the rim of their hat, Joker glared through the metal grate at his captives. The sparing flashes of blue and red did not reveal them, save a soft jaw that was obviously female and a small set of lips that were set with displeasure.

"Evening _all_ ," Joker started, still winded, _seething_ as he shifted in his seat to try and alleviate the pressure of the cuffs on his wrists. Joker could feel bruises forming and flowering beneath his shirt, hissing through his teeth at the pang of sharp, stabbing pain. Of tight metal biting at the bone. They were certainly _pissed_ with him tonight, considering the heavy-handedness. He was used to a good ol' _seeing to_ , sure! But with absence of the Bat and a whole squad of boys sent out to see him, well he must have done something really, _really_ naughty...

The big guy, with a hat that barely fit his head, hit the roof of the van on his way in, sighing, sweating, clearly exhausted from his rough and tumble with incapacitating the Joker. That if it hadn't been for Batman's _no show_ wouldn't have had to have struggled to contain the clown. This felt like a set up. Joker squirmed at the thought he'd been tricked, been outed, been _sold out_. And worst of all, he was cuffed and headed straight back to a cold cell at Arkham. "Don't you know what _day_ it is?!" Joker said sourly. A day he had reserved especially for himself and the Bat.

Stony faced, the officers drove off in silence. Neither the serious woman or meaty man spoke a word, even amongst themselves, as they slipped out of the alley and onto the drizzle soaked, neon streets of Gotham City. And Joker _sulked_. Staring mindlessly out of the window at the skyscrapers, hoping to catch a glimpse of that shadowy figure hopping from rooftop to rooftop, something, _anything_ to excuse why he had been so rudely stood up. Had Batman arrived at the scene just a moment too late? To find two police cars turned over and embers burning, but no clown prince in sight? Joker's heart _bled_ for what was lost. How he'd have all the time in the world to now mope on their missed opportunity. How he was already deciding he would spend most of his days at Arkham Asylum as a matter of fact.

Only -

The sign to Arkham had been half a mile back, and the van hadn't turned at the left it had signalled. Joker knew the way to Arkham like the back of his hand. They'd missed the turning and had kept on driving… "Excuse _moi_ ," he began, to be answered by two exaggerated sighs immediately. _Rude_. "I _really_ hate to be the dreaded backseat driver, but the nuthouse is _that-a way_."

"Who said you're goin' there?" asked the big guy scoffing.

Joker frowned, thoroughly irritated by how these events had unfolded. "I don't know, _society_?!" He went to fold his arms, cringed as he remembered suddenly (and reminded with biting pain) that he was in handcuffs. " I got an idea! How about you let _me_ drive? I know the way!"

They both sniggered, slapping their thighs and howling at his suggestion. Joker wasn't in the mood for sarcasm. "It's not _that_ funny," he muttered. Dark eyes stared out at an even darker window. They'd since left the busy main streets of full and fluorescent light. Were cruising through the grim outskirts, passing the occasional trash can fire, huddles of hookers on every street corner. This was no place for a police vehicle to be cruising... And as soon as the thought crossed his mind, the woman passenger rolled down her window, pulled the flashing light from the roof of their van and bought it inside. Now it made sense. A set up _indeed_.

"Who's paying you?" Joker asked lazily, fingers trying to fiddle the clasps of his cuffs but not quite latching.

"Funnily enough, it's _you_ ," the man said, turning into a empty parking lot.

Joker scoffed. Like he'd pay for some gimmicky cop routine - wait, hadn't he done that once before? Well, he'd tried it _once_ , maybe _twice - and_ there was that time he'd - wow, he'd overdone it. "I think I would have _known if_ -"

The car coming to a sudden halt cut him off, and it stalled, alone in an empty parking lot. Blue and pink lights from the streets ahead bled into the puddles and potholes. Corner shops, strip clubs, sex shops and palm readers. Most of these colourful guises for drug use and prostitution. They were like sitting ducks. Whether the cops who'd caught him were real or not, the vehicle itself was authentic enough. But the engine stopped and the beaming headlights flicked off, and they each sat in silent blackness for all of a moment.

Joker sighed, one all-too-long sigh of impatience, ending with a clipped and irritable, "so?" … "What are we waiting for?" Neither of the "officers" replied, much to his chagrin. "Alright, let me guess… you're gonna soften me up before handing me to some chump? Oh! Oh! Oh! Is it _ol'_ Oswald with the money I owe? No? _Hmm_. Is it Maroni? Sionis? Is this about those _speeding tickets_ I've been stockpiling?" This wasn't even funny - he didn't _feel_ very funny. Bored and frustrated, Joker was beginning to feel his blood boil. "I hate to rush you folks, but I happen to be a _very_ busy man -"

"Alright, that's _it_!" The woman swung herself out of the car. Heels clicking on the damp pavement, Joker could hear her tearing round to whip open the back doors. Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. They swung open with a tinny crash, her badge glinting in the streetlights. Her face was still shielded from view by the rim of her cap, her uniform was certainly authentic. Joker noticed though how it was speckled with dark spots. Dark spots he knew to be blood. To go through effort such as this - he'd really rattled someone's cage. But _who_?!

Joker wolf whistled.

"Get _out_."

Her tone was deep and deadly and Joker was willing to oblige her, anything to get out of this dreaded vehicle -

"Not _you_." She clipped the back of his knees _hard_ and knocked Joker back onto his bench. He hissed as he hit the side of the van, rattling his tin prison. The metal of his cuffs clanged and he cursed as he felt them clip the raw skin of his wrists.

"Listen, _doll -"_

The big, bulking slab of meat and sinew that was the woman's accomplice promptly left the van, shutting the door with a tidy _thump_ on his way out. He didn't come to join their little party at the back though, and Joker was honestly beginning to wonder (with genuine curiosity) what the _actual fuck_ was going on?

"I have a _date_ you know."

Joker's comment, maybe his clear _impatience_ annoyed her most and she clambered into the back, beating down on him swiftly and suddenly, a particular _SMACK_ against his elbow, felt his fingers fuzzing, a sickly sensation.

"Do - you _ever_ \- _EVER_ \- keep ya' - mouth - shut?!"

Someone was certainly _mad_. She battered him for some _minutes_ while he attempted to scuttle from her menacing blows. Wincing, chewing the inside of his mouth, she aggravated older wounds and made for herself some mighty new ones. Each blow came with more meaning, blossoming sharp and shooting pain. Joker's body still throbbed, it took a moment for him to realise she had finally finished with him. Pain, thankfully, was quickly dulled by his anger. "You _done_?"

With her hands on her hips she stood panting. Though Joker couldn't see her face he _knew_ she was staring down at him. He could see the hint of a smile in the shadows. His stomach _writhed_ with a sickening fury.

"Not _yet_ ," she said as she brought up an arm to wipe the sweat from her brow, pulling her hat away along with it. A blonde bob, messy and flattened, fell to frame her face. _Her_ face. Round, pale, with big soft eyes and the smuggest look he'd ever seen.

" _Ugh_." Joker's eyes rolled into his head just as he rolled into a slightly more comfortable position on the van floor. _Ugh_. "Harley …"

"DON'T YOU ' _HARLEY'_ ME!" She was immediately biting his head off, as though his skull wasn't splitting already. "YOU NO GOOD, TWO-TIMIN' CHUMP -"

"This gag is old, Harley. And how much are you paying the guy outside? I'm not _made of money_ -"

Harley thrust a familiar poster into his face so violently Joker was almost certain she was going to suffocate him with it. "HOW _COULD_ YOU?!" she snapped, kicking him roughly in the stomach and forcing a snigger as he recoiled. Although Joker hadn't had a very good look at the poster (on the contrary, mere inches from his face you could argue he had closest look of all) he knew exactly what it was she was brandishing so furiously.

It had read:

 **SEEKING NEW HENCH WENCH**

Do you think you have what it takes?

Must be a team player who won't "take the initiative" and screw things up!

Must be able to take **direct instructions.**

Must be able to carry over 30kg ( _without_ complaint!) Duties may range from heists and kidnapping to laundry and coffee making.

Salary negotiable.

Joker sighed. "What was I supposed to do, poo? You'd been gone _so long…_ I was beginning to run out of clean suits to wear!"

"I WAS INCARCERATED!"

Harley smacked him again hard across his shoulder and Joker spluttered, sure he'd heard something crack. "The job's still open! If - you're - interested -" he hacked a cough. It felt like hands gripped his lungs and were ringing them out. He couldn't believe _this_ was how he was about to spend the rest of his night. If he was in this position, Joker _had_ to ask, "where's Batman?'

He flinched as she went to strike him again, but instead she felt it fitting to explain herself. Harley sighed. "I stole a' school bus and created a diversion down on 32nd Street, he'd have thought you were there." Harley rolled her eyes at the very mention of the big bad bat.

"Did he seem eager when he got there?! Was he angry? Did he have that determined scowl on his face? Was he _mad_? Did he swoop in and try and save -"

"I wasn't _there_ ," Harley's voice was low and her temper was flaring, her red lips a thin and humourless line.

"Oh, _Harley,_ I've just been so _lonely!_ I've just gotten so _lost_ in my _loneliness_! It's been just me and the Bat for all of this time, and _you know_ how much of a bore he can be?!" He laid it on, thick as he could, lips quivered and downturned, laid out on the floor, a hand on his forehead. Joker was sure to catch the briefest flash of sympathy flit across her face.

"You could've come 'n broken me out Mister J."

"I was so _depressed_ Harley, oh, you should've seen it! I was _broke_! If I hadn't been so _down_ I'd have cracked you out in an instant, as easy as _pie_ , you know that _baby_ don't you? I wouldn't have left my Harley-girl all alone in Arkham! All by herself, crying her nights away wondering where her puddin' was!"

She was lowering her baton, "r-really?"

Not _really_. Joker had actually enjoyed the one on one time he'd got to have the Bat. Neither of them had had to suffer her awful puns, her terrible line delivery, Joker hadn't had to alter his plans - throw himself between them, stop his _beau_ from outright _killing_ the Batman at each and every opportunity. Frankly, as much as he liked Harley, she was a bit embarrassing to bring along. She didn't get the game, she didn't much get the jokes either. He _was_ running out of suits to wear though …"Why, of course! Would _I_ lie to _you_?"

 _THWACK_.

"Nice try _boss_."

Joker's toes curled, his calves cramped up, Harley had slammed her fist into his face, the hardest hit of all. Joker's nose crunched, even Harley herself recoiled _. Ouch!_

"You _really_ think you can just go ahead and replace me like that?!"

She was so angry already. Screw it! "Honestly, Harls? _Yes_."

 _THWACK_.

He'd split his lip and was sputtering blood across the metal. Lucky he was cuffed, his temper was surging blood through his veins, his heart was hammering in his chest. If he could get a hold of her now, he'd _kill_ her. "Harley - _baby -_ be gentle."

 _THWACK_.

"How's _that_ fer gentle!?"

 _Not gentle at all!_ In fact, it _fucking hurt like hell!_ He flinched, groaned quietly into himself, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of knowing she'd probably cracked a herself a it weren't for the cuffs Harley would be wishing she was back in Arkham, locked away in her little padded cell. Joker's teeth ground together, looking up at her through a fringe of bedraggled green hair. "You never were very subtle were you Harls?" he growled, his voice grainy, spittle gathered at the split in his swollen lip. "Now _what_?"

"I mighta' not been very _subtle_ , Mister J - but unlike you, at least I've always been unpredictable…"

The nerve! The _gall_! Of course he was unpredictable! Wasn't he?! The complete and utter _lie_ \- Joker's train of thought was stalled as Harley came down to his level, took his jaw in her palm and smiled at him wickedly. "Ain't that whatcha' always liked most about me _puddin_ '?" Harley's smile was wide and she giggled girlishly. Caressing his cheek with her thumb and her smile growing ever wider, watching him flinch at her fluttering touches.

Joker hadn't forgotten about the baton in her hand (it was hard to!) nor the power behind her punches. He was struggling to slip free of his bonds even with the sweat and blood that gathered where they'd rubbed his wrists raw. While Joker was caught up like this, Harley had the upper hand - and christ, how he hated _that_ , more than the pain, more than the predicament he was currently in.

"Don't tell me ya' didn't miss me - not even an ickle, li'l bit?"

Joker barked a loud laugh that made her jump suddenly (at least there was something he could smile about!) "Not even _once_!" It wasn't entirely a lie… Not entirely the truth though, either. He wouldn't miss her if she was _dead,_ he thought. All in due time.

"Yer sure?"

Joker winced again as she threatened to strike him, and she laughed, eyes glinting with morbid delight.

"Ya' don't even miss _this_?"

Instead of choosing to land another blow, Harley bought her lips up to meet his, smarting as she crushed her mouth against his roughly. He could taste the blood from his own mouth, feel and hear her moan into him, kissing deeply, firmly. He didn't reciprocate - staring hatefully and unblinkingly at her, he let her kiss him, lick him, give his mouth a nibble - but he trembled in _anger_ before anything else until Harley pulled away, wiping his blood from her lips, utterly offended. _Good_ -

 _THWACK._

"Ain't this what yer do with yer precious _B-man_?!" She burst. "You go 'round the city pissin' him off and he comes along an' beats you up?! Or am I missin' somethin' here?"

Is _this_ what it came down to? Joker didn't know how many times he needed to explain it to her. The importance, the relevance, the _duty_ he had to uphold is unspoken promise to the Batman, as they played their elaborate game across Gotham City. This was the problem with Harley. No matter how much he'd come to like her, she'd never, ever, _ever_ get it. He rolled his eyes to the back of his skull. Maybe he should of just hired himself a new hench wench after all.

"Screw this," Harley snapped, pulling him by his shirt collar into a seated position - the back of his head bouncing off of the side of the van, she ignored his small and snarky complaints. "I didn't make my escape - on today of _all_ days - to not have the anniversary ending _I_ want." And Joker couldn't believe she was popping his shirt buttons open.

" _Here_?!" Joker was shaking his head wildly. He had _known_ there had been something important about this date, he'd just figured it was something he'd shared with the Bat. _My mistake_. "Harley, baby, sugar, _pumpkin pie_ , it's all been just one big misunderstanding."

"Shut up," Harley hissed - now fumbling hurriedly with his belt, "your voice is turning me off."

 _Charming_! "Do you _mind_?!" He couldn't believe this! Fury bubbled in the pit of his of stomach, squirming against her touch, her fingertips, trying desperately to tilt his groin as far from her grabby hands as he could. " _Harley_!"

She wasn't listening - she was _laughing_ , straddling his lap and hoisting her skirt up her thighs. Joker swallowed hard at the flash of her pale skin, gritting his teeth. Her finger trailed his chest and stopped at the band of his pants, feigning shock at his silence and his smarting through the discomfort. Toying and prodding each and every bruise he'd earned tonight. "Poor _baby_ ," she cooed, in the fakest, most frustrating voice she could muster.

"I'm warning you -" there was no _toying_ in Joker's tone, his expression void of any playfulness. "When I get out of -"

Her tongue was hot as worked its way from the base all the way to the tip of his cock in one slow and fluid motion. Whatever was going to get him to _shut up_ , that was it. Before he'd even had a chance to eloquently describe the very detail in how he was intending to murder her, Harley had found her way to his cock and locked her lips around it. It felt so good that Joker couldn't catch the groan that left him - even more furious with himself that he'd let on how it felt. She seemed mightily pleased with herself, pulling back if just to smile at him smugly before popping the head of his dick back into her mouth sucking it half-heartedly. Swirling her tongue around the tip to tease another tiny sound from him.

Joker's fists were clenched tight behind his back, the pain in his awkwardly twisted arms splintered through the intense and overwhelming pleasure of Harley playing with his cock. He was both angry beyond all belief as he was barely able to comprehend anymore, what the fuck was happening, and how the fuck it had happened in the first place. His cock hit the back of her hot, wet throat and he shuddered, toes curling. He wanted to _strangle her_. Harley moaned, the more she tongued and teased him into jerking against her. She giggled despite the glaring, most obvious, flaring _hatred_ flashing on and off of his sharp features, distracted only briefly by waves of overpowering pleasure. The low and lusty sounds of her voice rippled up from his cock and deep into his clenched abdomen. This was the _worst way_ in which this night could have unfolded!

Harley quickly got bored of giving him a blowjob it seemed and clambered back up to straddle his thighs, kissing him briefly but Joker did _not_ respond.

"You're so _moody_ tonight," she said with a pout, running a hand through his messy hair and pulling a little too roughly.

"You ruined my plans!" Joker barked. "You ruined my _entire evening_!" Incredulous! Wasn't his outrage completely and utterly obvious? Completely and utterly understandable?! He'd worked _weeks_ on the details for this particular night. It was going to be the grandest heist of the month! Batman would've _really_ struggled with this one! Really had it in for him this time!

"Wow, _yeah_ , your voice is _really_ turning me off," Harley stated, her tone flat - her expression equally so. But still, she sank onto his cock, drawing from the Joker one shocked, sharp gasp that he failed to stifle. She was so, so _dead_.

If it wasn't for the undeniably warm, soft, tight feeling of her pussy he might've found a way - managed a way - to kill her somehow. Overpowered her perhaps, disarmed her - knocked her unconscious with the benches to the side. Rummaged through her shirt for the keys, freed himself and then throttled her with all of the strength he had left in his battered arms. But his limbs had grown _limp._ He could not contend with each and every grinding, bobbing motion of her bouncing on his dick. Joker could feel the pleasure mounting - his cock was throbbing, he was aching to come. Harley was building the pressure. Slowly, surely. Mocking his desperate need for release and rocking her hips with more and more speed, more and more pressure. Harley stared him down, grinning from ear to ear. Though Joker _knew_ his eyelids were fluttering, _knew_ that his cock was twitching inside of her, knew that his mouth was slightly open and every breath was ragged, glared at her viciously and held, best he could, an expression of pure _loathing_. Only with _his loathing_ and _his lust_ there wasn't much difference. Harley clearly didn't care about the definition between.

Her ass was hitting his thighs with some force and some fervour now. Joker barely lucid to the events that were unfolding so quickly before his bleary eyes, as Harley pulled from her blazer a flip phone and dialed a number, all the while squeezing his cock, rocking her hips, kissing him forcefully before making her call. Joker couldn't form the words to speak, he felt too close to the edge - he didn't want to lose it. Harley's voice was breathless on the phone, "please - please - help me - I've just spotted the Joker. 102nd street - the big apartment - block - by the abandoned Walmart - I think he's stolen a police car - _hurry_ \- please -"

The warm, slick, delicious sensation of her liquid flesh felt like it had turned to ice the _very_ moment he was just about to come. Harley pulled herself off of him so suddenly, he lost his orgasm instantaneously, his cock was twitching, but nothing happened. His body hurt and he ached. Just when Joker thought she couldn't be any _worse_ , he was beginning to realise, slowly, what Harley had done.

" _Wait_ -" he choked in his disbelief, still distracted by the closeness to coming.

But Harley flicked the waistband of his boxers back over his cock, even though it still throbbed almost painfully in anticipation of coming - and _so close_ to coming. He felt immediately restricted and uncomfortable even _with_ his flies undone. Joker squirmed under her scrutiny as Harley sat back on her haunches to admire the view, pulled her skirt back down to the modest length at her knees and hopped down from the back of the van. Combing quickly through her hair, she replaced her hat and smiled at him from back beneath the brim of it. "Have a nice time in Arkham puddin', I'll be waiting for ya' when ya' come out," she smirked.

He was panting, both from the sex and out of fury. "Harley, Harley - _wait_ -" The light of the streetlamps vanished to all but a slither as Harley gave one last wave and slammed the doors shut in his face. And Joker could hear her laughter as her heels clack, clack _clacked_ on the concrete, followed quickly by the huffing of her one, lone henchman. " _HARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY_!" Joker knew she was gone - could hear the sound of sirens headed his way. " _HARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY_!" Joker tried to desperately to inch his pants a little further up his thighs, hoping to retain at least some dignity, despite how the evening had transgressed. He would _kill_ her for this. As soon as he was out of Arkham, he would kill her. Batman was just going to have to wait for another time and another place.


End file.
